Yesterday, I promised that I would tell you why I’m detoxing my life. This admission is something that will strengthen my personal challenge this month, but it is also something I am dreading.
It is not only personal, but it’s emotional and has impacted many areas of my life. I planned to do this as a vlog, but I find myself sitting here with a raging migraine, swollen puffy eyes, and this is not how I want to introduce myself to my YouTube Channel. Let’s hope for a better morning!
In 2011, I met the love of my life while I was working at an education center for slum children in India. We had a whirlwind long distance romance – he an Egyptian Engineer working for his office’s new location in India, me a free spirited NGO founder who ran off to Uganda. We met up a few times in different countries and were married within a year. We both had a lot we wanted to accomplish, and since we didn’t really date, we wanted to just spend time together and explore India. We traveled like mad, we had adventures, and we were energetic. Life was beautiful.
And then, we decided that maybe we DID want to have kids. And so, on our one year anniversary in 2013, we decided to expand our family. Only for some reason, it wasn’t working. And it wasn’t working. And it wasn’t working.
Long story short, it has been four years of nothing working. I have spent four years in various stages of early pregnancy, miscarriage, IVF, hormone therapies, or surgery recovery in an effort to get pregnant. I’ve had ultrasound techs tell me I had cancer (I didn’t, it was a cyst, but I didn’t find that out immediately and even told a few people what they said…which is not something you just backtrack on), I’ve had horrendous experiences with miscarriages (ever been locked in a room and threatened with jail time because you can’t prove you didn’t have an abortion?), and I’ve had more shots, sticks, pokes, prods, and people looking at my lady bits than I care to even make eye contact with.
Last weekend I had the opportunity to solo travel to Dubai. I didn’t realize how drained I was until I was in a new city that felt magical, a new city that felt bursting with potential and possibility. I laughed, I took the first hot bubble bath I have had in four years, I worked out hard, I walked all over the town, I had great coffee, good conversation, and a stunning realization: I was a wee bit broken.
No matter how tough I try to be, the last four years have impacted my emotions, my health, my drive, and my energy. I have gained close to 45 pounds, I have been up and down in forced hormonal stages ranging from chemical menopause to forced ovulation, and everything under the sun. Every ounce of me has been tested. But before I went to Dubai, I didn’t realize how weak the girl inside of me had become while trying to force a specific exterior.
In March I did my 30-Day Happiness Challenge. And then I had an early miscarriage. Again. Like so many times before, again and again and again and again. And I didn’t give a fuck about happiness. But, I didn’t allow myself the much needed self-care. By this point, it was so normal that every single positive pregnancy test that ended in the six week curse just felt like a normal day even though my body needed to heal, my mind needed to heal, and I needed to heal. I was so resistant to the idea that I needed a breather that I couldn’t even complete an easy happiness challenge – that I was leading.
Yes, friends, even your friendly neighborhood life coach has their dark day.
In a way, it was embarrassing to have to deal with it. How could I tell someone, “Hey, I need a few days to reset because this happened…again.” By the time you’ve hit six, or seven, maybe even eight, nine or ten if you’re going off very early symptoms and faint pregnancy tests, it just feels like you’re throwing a shovel full of shit at someone. WHO would honestly believe any of this, and how could anyone really understand how it feels to be in such huge periods of change for four years straight?
If you’ve been pregnant, or gone through IVF, or hell, are just a woman with hormones, maybe we can connect on that part. But if you haven’t, how do I convince anyone that the four years of hell I’ve buried have broken me down to the point I had to have a bathtub in a foreign country with a Korean pearl sheet mask and a massive bag of gummy worms to realize I needed to reset?
I tell myself every month that this is par the course for being a woman. Many women have it worse. Many women actually did have cancer, or more surgeries, or were able to make it through more rounds of IVF.
But, in that bathtub, where it was just me and a much forgotten zone of simple comfort, I lost my shit. I reflected on all of the challenges, and I didn’t force myself to justify anything. I just allowed myself to become aware. And let me tell you, when I woke up the next day without bags under my eyes from crying, I knew those Korean sheet masks were on to something. Ladies, treat yourself.
Once you become aware, you’re able to take the steps to move forward. As a life coach, an entrepreneur, and a CEO, I often put myself under so much pressure to appear like a perfect work-a-holic who can tunnel through anything and never needs to appear human. I realized how toxic my lack of self-acceptance was, and so, I decided that I was going to spend one month in reflection and detoxifying my life, and THEN kick ass at another happiness challenge.
Setting up this Detox Your Life challenge was about restoring purity to the thoughts, creating a healthy environment and habits, and recognizing where you need to make changes – now or eventually. I’m not setting any goals for myself this month – I’m not here to break a weight loss goal, or a step count, or words written, or anything else. When I log out of work each day – on schedule – I am just going to love on myself and spring clean my life.
I believe the best coaches come from experience. We have our own journeys, we have our own passions, we have our own reasons for why we do what we do. I chose to specialize in Lifestyle Design after being a jack of all trades, master of none, who spent years trying to get validated by other people, who worshipped family members who don’t even know my middle name, and never focused on my own life. Once I realized I was the master of my own life and learned how to draft my own life blueprint, I truly became unstoppable.
I chose to co-specialize in Goal Achievement because goals are powerful when done properly, and I wanted to work specifically with authors. I wanted to share my knowledge, my experience, my downfalls, and stumbles and shortcomings to shorten someone else’s journey as an author – because, trust me, as the CEO of a small hybrid micropublisher, kiddos, it is always a learning game and we are in no way perfect. I’ve had to eat crow a few times but I’ll be damned if we are not a force to be reckoned with.
And my everyday experiences will continue to impact how I approach people, how I develop my programs, and how I work with my clients. This journey to start a family only reiterated how different experiences can impact a person, or change their perception of their life, or interactions, or set back even the strongest of people from what looks like such a well designed path.
Also published on Medium.